


The Moon In Me

by dancinbutterfly



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alive Allison, Alive Hale Family, Alive Laura Hale, Alternate Universe - Human, Babbling, Bashing of a queer character, Crossdressing, Dating, Dirty Talk, Fictional Religion & Theology, Friends to Lovers, Gender Issues, Genderqueer Character, Genderqueer!Derek Hale, Human Derek Hale, Male/Genderqueer character sex, Other, Respectful courting, Romance, stiles stilinski - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-30
Updated: 2014-05-30
Packaged: 2018-01-27 03:14:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1712888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dancinbutterfly/pseuds/dancinbutterfly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Derek's never had a word for the line his identity walks between male and female so he goes with the default cisgender term. Before his girlfriend queer bashed him, he was really comfortable with that nonconventional sense of self, embraced it, loved it. Now traumatized he's pulled  away from the person inside and hid in the stereotype male facade except for in the most private of places with the closest of family. Stiles, home from school to take care of his dad, may be the first person in a decade Derek can be the real Derek with. It's dangerous because Stiles wants that Derek, he really does.</p><p>Edited for additional spelling and grammar: 5/31/14</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Moon In Me

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. More importantly - I do not speak for any genderqueer people. This is a work of fiction and I worked very hard to be respectful and accurate but somethings will no doubt be wrong. For that I apologize in advance. I wrote this because the combined duality of animal and human into one being in a werewolf like Derek seemed like it could transfer in an interesting way to the duality of male and female in one person, Derek. He is not a template on how to be genderqueer, as many people choose other pronouns, dress, expression, etc. This is just how my Derek manifested. 
> 
> I also do not speak for anyone who self identifies as a member of a pagan faith. The religion Derek and his family practice is fictional - 100% not real - although the gods and goddesses I invented do draw inspiration from Celtic and Norse beliefs. 
> 
> Also please remember - no one is perfect. Stiles especially and I wrote him as he seems to be not how I wish he was. Same with Derek. 
> 
> Thanks for letting me ramble. I hope you to enjoy the story anyway.
> 
> Thanks to all the ladies who helped me with this - by this point there are too many of you to count but mainly homoerotecismforthewin and knight_tracer. I had this betad multiple times and if problems still exist, please leave me a comment with your email and I'll contact you to fix them. Thanks.

The Hale Case was a shocking incident of female on male violence. Well. Male-ish. If you gave Derek a choice he would identify as something between the two but that word doesn't really exist as far as he knows, so he just sticks to male since he knows he doesn't want to be a woman, just...something closer to that than what the world seems to think he is. Laura calls him mostly-male which he secretly likes even if it's not quite right. Point is that no one takes that shit seriously especially if it's domestic because men are never the victim after all. That's just not how it works. Obviously.

Only Sheriff Stilinski is looking at the crime scene photos of this boy, with a broken cheekbone and a split lip and a broken nose. There are pictures that were taken at the hospital of the kid's mosaic of bruises on his chest and back. He's working on a glass of whiskey with the pictures all over the table when his wife comes in, kisses his temple and says "Baby, come to bed."

He shakes his head and he goes "The Hale kid got the crap kicked out of him." He says crap, rather than shit because he knows that Stiles is in the hallway, listening.

Claudia looks at it, frowns, and digs her fingers into his shoulder. "Jesus. Is this a gay-bashing? He was always such a sweet boy and you know how kids can be. You should organize a bullying talk or something."

Stilinski shakes his head and says "No. I'm fairly sure his girlfriend did it, before she tried to burn down the Hale House."

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah. He won't talk to any of my deputies about it."

"Of course he won't. Come on, baby."

He sighs and shakes his head and says "I know. I know, it's just that I really want to nail her for this - Argent. The circumstantial stuff on the fire isn't enough to put her away but with the assault charge, a halfway decent judge would get her off the street at least five years before she could parole."

"But?"

"But he's scared. He doesn't want to be that kid - the one who got the shit kicked out of him by a girl." And Claudia smacks the back of his head and he flails, because ow!

"And what if he were the girl?" she demands, "And it was a psycho boyfriend who did that to him and tried to burn down his house? What would you do then?"

Stilinski groans and hates her for being right. He also loves her because she is right and he doesn't know what he'd do if Claudia weren't there to put his head on straight sometimes. 

The next day he goes to the hospital and he gets permission from Derek's parents to talk to him one on one. He sits on the edge of the bed and looks at Derek and says, "You don't have anything to be ashamed of, son. You know that right?"

Derek doesn't know that. He's practically drowning in shame. Choking on it. He let her hurt him. He let her see. And she'd said that he was a disgusting, filthy _thing_ that didn't deserve to live and when he'd told her that growing up it was fine, she'd said that his family was sick and evil and then she'd hit him. And hit him. And then there was nothing but blackness and pain and when he woke up he was surrounded by his family and they were okay, but their house? Their house was gone and so was Derek's dignity. 

"She shouldn't have hurt you, but you have to decide if you want her to get away with it."

"Yeah. Because they're going to convict her for this." And Stilinski says "You testify? You'll have the full support of the BHSD. I don't stand for this kind of bigotry and violence in my town. Period. So if you get on the stand, we'll be behind you. _I'll_ be behind you."

"You."

"Me. Personally." 

So Derek does. 

~*~*~

After Kate goes to prison, Derek stops doing all of the feminine things that he used to love and hides until there's nothing left to push away. Only once he's done that he feels like an alien in his own body because now he's not himself. He's turned away from all the things that helps him express and accentuate who he is, a strange – now broken – person who doesn't fit in the hole shaped for men or the hole shaped for women either no matter what biology says. Laura asks questions that make Derek flinch like "Why don't you wear dresses around the house anymore?" "What happened to the lipstick?" Derek hides his hurt with a shrug and says "I outgrew it". 

Laura doesn't buy that for a hot minute. "Yeah. Sure you did. You've only been walking both sides of the line since you were _three_. But you outgrew it. Okay."

Derek's hackles rise because Laura always manages to do that to them. It's an older sister skill. There must a class. "I'm going to be in college. It's time to get over this shit." 

"Actually college is when you're supposed to be weird. As someone in college, I can assure you." 

Derek just shrugs again because Laura doesn't want to hear that Kate has convinced him that he's a freak, perverted, dirty, and wrong, that she did it _while _she was fucking him so it sort of warped his both his sense of sexual and gender identity which, for the record, used to be bolstered by some gloss, shadow, and smooth legs.__

__Accentuating the feminine used to make him feel confident, secure, but now it's weird. He's weird. And his family already has enough weird to worry about._ _

__His family is pagan. Not acolytes of Wicca but old school, holdover from before the spread of Christianity pagan. Their family managed to keep their beliefs quietly practiced yet remembered through the building of monastaries, Viking pillages, the Norman Conquest, the Tudor split with the Catholic church and beyond. They weren't going to let the move across an ocean stop them. So the Hales repeat the names of their gods and have small altars scattered through the woods in sacred spaces where they pray to deities that are only subjects of academic study to most people. They live out on their own to be close to their place of worship and because out of sight out of mind isn't just a saying after all. Once upon a time people who didn't go to church got Noticed._ _

__But he comes back to Beacon Hills because that's what his family does - they stay. They've been in Beacon Hills since before the freaking gold rush. They probably headed west as soon as the west was headable - people of Otherness were not well liked in early New England. Case in point: witch hunts._ _

__It's not until after Kate takes everything from him, that Derek finally realizes how tightly he was bound to his Changing Goddess. She had so many names that he took for granted and misses now. She was the Guide of the moon's path, the Daughter and Mother and Crone, and the Wielder of the Weapons of the Sacred Feminine. She led him when the Hunter God or the Farmer God or the Shepherd Goddess or The Twins of Wisdom and Sadness were not enough._ _

__When he can't bear to put on lipgloss or liner or rouge, when he's staring at his skirts and heels and blouses like they may bite him, when he's looking at the jewelry he's quietly but surely collected over the years, and he can't bear to touch any of it without pulling back, Derek realizes that the Changing Goddess permeated every aspect of his being in ways that were more than most people, even his mother and sisters, ever experienced. Now, he can't reach Her. Her Female Divinity, one of so many aspects that his family worship that had always been part of his personal rituals, is gone._ _

__He reaches inside himself, outside to the artifacts of jewelry and clothing and make-up and even his own face and feels like She's abandoned him. Worse, he remembers bleeding on the cold wet tile beside the school pool before Coach Lahey scooped him up out of a puddle of his own blood and piss and feels like She threw him away. Either way, She's gone from him. It breaks Derek's heart even as it makes him desperate to have Her grace back. It's inevitable that after college he returns home._ _

__His return to Beacon Hills is inauspicious. He just drives back to the house which his parents started fixing almost as soon as the wood stopped smoking and walks inside with his duffle bag slung over his shoulder. It feels new and old at the same time and Derek isn't sure what to do with it all._ _

__He's single and not particularly happy and he's talked to Laura about how yeah, she was right, it wasn't just a fad or a phase. The worst thing is that he feels wrong both ways and she's like "Well, do what you actually want, and sort through your feelings from there. Your private life is private."_ _

__He thinks about that, about what Kate did, what the Sheriff did and after about two months of sleeping in his new/old bedroom and eating the food his mom cooks, he goes into the sheriff's station and asks Sheriff Stilinski for a job. Half an hour later he's filling out his paperwork and being measured so that Gladys in Requisitions can order him uniforms for when he passes his exams. Everyone at the station says when, not if, as though his success is a given rather than a hope._ _

__He comes to his first day of training with a full beard. He hates the beard so much but he loves training. The idea that he can help and protect people with the skills he's gaining makes it worth getting up in the morning even if he does avoid mirrors like they're toxic. He doesn't let himself get rid of it until he's issued his service weapon after graduation._ _

__He shaves his legs for the first time in seven years with his gun next to him on the bathroom counter. It's loaded and the safety is off. When he's done, he clicks the safety back on. He pulls on his pants and feels his skin slide smooth against the cheap fabric for a moment before he sighs. It's not enough. Not nearly enough to make up for what he's lost. But it's a fucking start._ _

__~*~*~_ _

__Stiles gets to his second year of college and has to take a year off because his dad finally had that damn heart attack Stiles has been fearing for years. The doctor say it's minor but no. No, no, no, no, no, Stiles is not buying into that at all and he is certainly not staying hours away at UC Berkley while his dad gets bypass surgery and rebuilds his strength. It's simply not happening. Period. End of discussion. Thanks for playing._ _

__Stiles is twenty and he's a family emergency withdrawal so he's not there to do his sophomore year with Scott and Allison (which means Scott is going to graduate BEFORE him which is just humiliating because honestly, as brilliant as Scott can be, his grades have nosedived since he finally moved into an apartment with Allison) and he's spending all his time torn between being worried and bored so stupid he could actually die. It's possible. So Stiles starts working at the sheriff's office to help pick up his dad's slack. Also working part time is mostly to keep from dropping stone cold dead from the _boring_ , but there's also Derek Hale, aka The Single Hottest Human Stiles Has Ever Seen working as his dad's super special deputy or something. _ _

__Stiles tries to flirt, honestly. Unfortunately, college hasn't made him less of a failboat and what comes out is less suave and more awkward blurts of things like "Hi! Has your face ever caused someone to die of attraction?" and "Sooooo, what are you doing? Whatever it is do you want to do it with me? Please?"_ _

__However, Derek throws up a clear red light on his third try, in the break room this time. "Hey, so there's this really cool combo performance art-dunk tank thing over in Beacon Hills where you throw baseballs at guy and it dumps paint on him and he throws himself on a canvas and rolls on it. You want to go with me? I mean, as a date. I'd like to take you there and it'd be fun as a date. To mock them. Unless you like modern art then-"_ _

__"Stop it, Stiles, Jesus" Derek growls. It's the first time he ever says anything in response to Stiles's advances and it brings Stiles up cold._ _

__He can roll with it. It's nothing compared to 10 years of Lydia Martin disdain. At least Derek gives Stiles eye contact so they're already doing better. Stiles shrugs and tips his head forward a little. "You can't blame me for trying can you?"_ _

__Derek's mouth had turned down at the corners. "Of course I can."_ _

__"True. You're well within your rights. But do you?"_ _

__"You're blocking the coffee maker," Derek growls and Stiles slides out of the way feeling a little smug. Derek usually means yes when he doesn't actually answer a question._ _

__"You never answered me about going to the art thing, though," Stiles points out._ _

__Derek's brows knit together. It makes him look like the coffeemaker is confusing him. "Yes I did."_ _

__"You said you didn't want to go romantically. We could still go, you know, as bros. Come on. You get to douse a stranger in paint. It'll be awesome."_ _

__Derek shrugs a shoulder which is Derek for yes then says "Send me a memo with the information." He pours himself a cup of coffee then leaves the room._ _

__The art thing actually goes pretty well and Stiles is starting to realize that he isn't the world's biggest moron but that Derek is shy. He's also smart as a whip, as Stiles' mom used to say, and even more oblivious than Stiles on his worst day. The best part of the evening is that Stiles accidentally discovers that when you poke him in the right spot, Derek could be sassy and deadpan as fuck – seriously. Stiles is a fan of sarcasm in all its forms. His own style and delivery are so DIFFERENT from Derek's. Combined with the gorgeousness and the adorable shyness, Stiles finds himself fascinated and when something piques his interest he's never been one to let it go._ _

__Stiles doesn't realize that he's been trailing after Derek like a puppy until his father comments on how often Derek is with him when Stiles swings by during his lunch hour to check on him._ _

__By that time his Dad's been home on sick leave for more than two months and he and Derek are actually friends. Derek may be shy but prolonged exposure seems to get past that. Derek's mother Talia, who swings by the station occasionally with lunch for Derek, seemed shocked to see them talking the first time Stiles met her and pleased when the experience was repeated a few weeks later. "It's nice to see Derek making friends his own age again," she says when Derek has to take off on an emergency call moments after she arrives._ _

__Stiles nods blandly. "Yeah. He's cool," he agrees and she beams for a moment, then squeezes his arm and heads towards the breakroom with Derek's uneaten food._ _

__The thing is that Derek really is cool. Aside from the cop thing, which is like rolling +20 coolness points, the guy has a major in History and did his senior thesis on Pre-Christian Religion in England, Scotland, Ireland and Wales out of pure love for the subject. He was in some frat he didn't really like and a naturalist/hiking club he loved. He used to swim but hasn't in years and Stiles says he hasn't either and says they should go together. Derek just smiles and shrugs but hey, it's totally not a no and it is definitely an expression a bro would make._ _

__The fact that Stiles wants to kiss said bro's neck doesn't change the fact that they're friendly and actually laugh together and even hang out after work sometimes. Stiles has practice with unrequited and doesn't dare push. Lydia beat hard lessons into him about boundaries, stalking, and Nice Guy Syndrome back in High School. Years later, Stiles could still remember quaking in fear of her and has never gone against any of her "suggestions" since. Never let it be said that he doesn't learn from his mistakes._ _

__Stiles is a nice guy but he is not one of those nice guys, okay. So he's not pushy, or pervy (except for the fact that Stiles sometimes uses his likeness in fantasies for his daily shower jerk-off but that’s in his own head and has nothing to do with the real Derek so it doesn’t count any more than it would if he were thinking of Angelina Jolie) and he's got no expectations except for the continuance of what's been a really kick ass friendship so far._ _

__Stiles has even kept from letting his mouth run away from him with the inappropriate comments. He doesn't flirt and he sort of flirts with everyone, even Scott._ _

__Yeah, his brain to mouth filter is fully functional right up until Derek bends over this one time and what the fuck? That is magenta. And lace. Also possibly some silk._ _

__What? What! What?!_ _

__Stiles' brain literally cannot take it. He's not judging, nor is he particularly kinking. Stiles is merely observing that Derek "So Gorgeous It's Painful To Look At Him" Hale is wearing panties with lace that are holyshitpink._ _

__Okay, scratch that. He is kinking. Or, not kinking exactly. Maybe he's just enjoying another new aspect of Derek's staggering beauty. He's not sure if that counts as being what Lydia told him was exploitative. He hopes not because oh God, the hotness. The hotness is killing him._ _

__He leaves the station about five seconds later, begging out that he needs to go Skype-help Scott with a paper and gets the fuck out of there. Stiles survives the blue balls by the skin of his teeth and wears his dick raw that night and it is like...the biggest most ridiculous revelation ever because ripped hot muscular bad ass muscle gods in women's underwear? Yes. Derek in women's underwear? Oh God, please, please, yes._ _

__So now every time they're together? Stiles is checking out Derek's ass. This is nothing too far out of the ordinary because hello? Have you seen Derek's ass? It is a thing of beauty that should be appreciated by the masses once daily and twice on Sundays. Only now he's watching with intent because he's waiting for three separate glimpses before he says something because you know. The guy has like... a bajillion sisters. He could've been wearing one of theirs because nothing else was clean. It happens. Scott's done it with Allison's bikini cuts on laundry day which is something Stiles never wanted to see, ever, but is now glad to have the perspective of._ _

__Two days later the dispatcher asks Derek to get something from the very top shelf in the supply closet and oh, hey, those are green and shimmery and probably not a thong but are definitely not boxers or briefs or any other kind of made-for-men underwear either. Those are panties and they are green and Stiles loves green. He wasn't aware it was possible to be attracted to a _color_ but guess what? It totally is. The wooded drive home nearly _kills_ him and he jerks himself off in the shower to the idea of Derek in the green panties. This leads him to the image of a naked Derek sprawled on paler green grass and comes so hard his ears pop. It's crazy._ _

__So he does what he always does when things are crazy. He calls Scott._ _

__"Wait. Derek Hale? He's like ten years older than we are."_ _

__"Six. Six is not that big a difference."_ _

__"Dude, that means that when we were in 5th grade, he was driving around all the time, probably having sex in the back of those cars, dude. It's kind of big. Besides, isn't Derek Hale, like, one of your dad's deputies?"_ _

__"Yeah. That shouldn't make it hotter but it does," Stiles moans._ _

__Then Allison rips the phone out of Scott's hand and says, her voice hushed and serious, "You know Derek Hale?" She sounds positively stricken._ _

__Stiles sighs and rolls his eyes. "Were you not on speaker for this whole thing? I assumed you were." because by Christmas break of 10th grade, Scott merged into the new being that is Scott &Allison. Sure they had that awful hiccup in 11th grade when Allison's grandfather died of cancer and her mom attempted suicide but things leveled out and the Scott&Allison entity merged back into being again. Stiles never admitted that he had missed it, ever, even though he had. Since their last reconciliation in high school Stiles has always just assumed that she's going to be involved in whatever he and Scott are doing unless otherwise stated. He loves her like the sister he never had and she's generous and flexible with sharing the Scott Time. It's Scott who sucks on that front._ _

__"No. Listen, Stiles, my Aunt Kate used to, like...see him. So-"_ _

__So he is probably straight. Or at least bi and even if he is the most flexible bisexual ever to swing between men and women, then he's probably fucked up because Allison's Aunt Kate is a grade A psycho. No, really. No hyperbole there. She's the only woman Stiles has ever _heard_ of to go to jail on a domestic assault charge. She went in like 8 years ago and is out now but- Oh. Shit._ _

__"Oh, shit, he's the guy isn't he?"_ _

__Everyone, seriously, _everyone_ , knew about the Argent Case. It was the biggest shitstorm to hit Beacon Hills in like 20 years because she queerbashed her own boyfriend and then lit his family home on fire. The backlash from the case and the media attention was actually a good thing. The whole of Beacon Hills seemed to bounce back from the attack into the complete opposite direction of Kate's attack and actually became a fairly well-known LGTB-friendly town. The city council voted in all these job and civil protection laws and schools buckled down, taking a strict anti-bullying stance, voting in new hate-crime laws, charters to protect gay couples in the local hospitals, everything they could think of that wasn't state regulated. The tourism board wanted to turn it into a forested version of Provincetown while members of the LGBTQ community quietly moved to town in dribs and drabs a few from cities like Oakland but the mostly from less-than-forgiving small towns all over northern California, Nevada, rural Oregon and Idaho._ _

__Still. The boy Argent attacked- he was still really messed up, for all the good the changes did for the town. He was home-schooled through graduation. His parents and sisters had told him that no one thought less of him, that it was fine, but Derek couldn't stand to go back. The looks on people's faces were bad but being there, in the halls so close to where Kate took him apart was unbearable. So he disappeared out of Beacon Hills High and off to college and people forgot him more than they remembered Kate. Stiles had only been ten but he snuck a look at the crime scene pictures anyway. He's actually pre-law now. He's thinking prosecution, maybe going to work for the District Attorney if he can get the job out of law school. He's always been curious and he's never regretted anything he's seen. It's all learning experiences, he's always thought so. At least he did before._ _

__Now may be the first time that Stiles wishes he hadn't looked. He doesn't think Derek would want him to have seen the damage._ _

__"Yeah. I don't know details, okay, but just... be careful, okay? For him."_ _

__So yeah, Stiles pulls back really hard on the flirting because his dad is a cop. That combined with his current career path? Stiles has done a metric fuckton of research about trauma, like, just in his free time, and that psycho nearly burned down Derek's house. The fire was after she attacked him, in front of witnesses who barely arrived on the scene in time to keep the situation from escalating from assault to murder and Stiles thinks maybe his normal flirting isn't appropriate, so he knocks back the flirty shit. But just the flirty shit because this is Stiles Stilinski. Just because he stops flirting doesn't mean he's going to stop being his overly invasive self. Case in point: Lydia Martin._ _

__Stiles is good. He is still curious and overeager to share the knowledge that seems constantly ready to flood his brain and follows Derek around like a shadow but none of that was romantically based. Honestly. Stiles did the exact same thing to Scott their entire childhood. With the exception of one one failed, gross-out, closed-mouth kiss when they were seven, Stiles had never been romantic with Scott. Ever._ _

__Everything is running smoothly until a week later, when Stiles gets pantie-glimpse Number Three. They are pale yellow cotton that peak out under his shirt when he reaches across the desk for a pen. It is common courtesy when Stiles says "Hey, your ruffles are showing" but Derek just. Freezes._ _

__"What?"_ _

__"Your shirt is riding up and I can see ruffles. But it's just you and me so I thought you might want to know before someone comes in. Seems sort of private you know?"_ _

__Derek doesn't blush. He goes pale and says "Oh" and sits up ramrod straight so that all he can see is brown uniform shirt and pockets._ _

__The whole effect has this adorable Dudley Do-Right the Mountie vibe. Stiles gives Derek what he hopes is a super comforting smile. "They're fun. I like the yellow. It's a warm color, you know? Cheerful." He's going for both true and positive but not predatory. Stiles is a modern man in a modern world and he is a decent human being okay? Just because he’s attracted to Derek doesn’t mean he has any right to put that shit on him._ _

__Hell, the majority of his friends in high school were drag queens. And by majority, he of course means all of them except for Scott and Allison. Even if he didn't swing both ways, which he does- he swings wildly, he's an ally okay? And the way Derek is reacting makes him thinks the guy could use one._ _

__"Stiles," Derek croaks out. "We're not talking about this."_ _

__"We are, but we don't have to. We could though. I'm cool with it. I'm all for subverting the gender binary to achieve personal fulfillment, man. More power to you. Plus, it's like, seriously, seriously hot. At least, on you. I mean. Um. Yeah. Sorry about that? But it's true."_ _

__And great. There go his attempts to not put the attraction out there. Shit. “Shit. I was-- Shit. I didn’t mean the hotness thing the way it came out. I was trying to compliment your sartorial choices and it came out gross. But um, they look nice?” He drags a hand through his hair wishing that the floor would open up into a yawning magma filled chasm and swallow him whole. “Oh my God, say something. Anything. Please. I can’t stop talking.”_ _

__“Stiles,” Derek chokes out which certainly qualifies as the anything he asked for. Stiles watches horrified as Derek goes from white to green, and it's not the sexy forest green of the panties or the natural green of the plants that fill Beacon Hills. It's a pukey green and Stiles wants to take care of him when he looks like that._ _

__He reaches out and puts his hand on Derek's arm and for all of a second Derek actually sways into the touch. Then he jerks away with a snarl. "Don't."_ _

__"Okay? I don't know what I shouldn't be doing, but whatever it is, I'm not."_ _

__Derek says things like "just don't" and "you shouldn't" and "you can't" while getting paler and greener every second. Then he blurts, "I'm calling in early."_ _

__Stiles watches as he runs away. He actually runs, like Stiles is holding chainsaw or something. The fear is real._ _

__Laura calls the station forty-five minutes later and demands that Stiles be put on the line. Then he is being yelled at so violently he can't even understand the words. There's just a wave of angry sound that has him holding the phone away from his ear. When she pauses for breath he asks "What the hell?"_ _

__"I expected more of you, Stilinski. Your dad is a stand-up guy. How did you end up such a prick?"_ _

__Which, whoa. "Wait. Who? Me? What the hell? I am not a prick."_ _

__"So, what? Harassing my brother is gentlemanly behavior?"_ _

__"I did not harass him. There was no harassment. There was a public service announcement and then there was nothing but support. I like your brother. I didn't do anything wrong here."_ _

__"Right. Sure you didn't."_ _

__"I didn't! I, I just... I like Derek. I've liked Derek from day one. This doesn't change jack shit for me. But if Derek doesn't want that, cool. Whatever. I've already backed off on the whole sexy romance thing. I just really like Derek, to a stupid, embarrassing amount, even as a friend regardless of whatever gender he, she, zie chooses to identify as, which should be evidenced by the fact that I haven't hung up on you yet."_ _

__There's a pregnant pause then Laura gives a long sigh and says "Okay. I can accept that."_ _

__"Well, thanks. That's nice of you if unnecessary considering he's an adult and you're not his mom or his boss but, I'm guessing you are kind of the gatekeeper."_ _

__"I am and you sir, are no keymaster."_ _

__"See? You like Ghostbusters. I like Ghostbusters. This can only end in good things. Listen, I've left like fifteen messages and texts on Derek's phone that I'm going to swing by tomorrow. Can you do me a favor and not call my dad and have me hauled off for trespassing?"_ _

__Stiles arrives the next day, just as he promised, but it's much later than she thought it would be. Work's been over for hours and what Laura does next is more than a little mean. In fact, it could be considered downright cruel and the whole set up is deeply manipulative, without question. Whatever. Laura's never claimed to be a saint. She won't let another Kate Situation happen ever again and she thinks this is the best way to keep that from happening and neither Derek nor Stiles need to be any the wiser._ _

__Derek may work out like a demon, be trained in self-defense and weapons thanks to his job, but when a trigger like that gets set off? Who knows what could happen. If he freezes like he has in the past, he could get hurt at least emotionally and Laura isn't having it. Of course Derek can take care of himself. He knows who he is; he's secure in his gender and sexual identity in his own, private, way._ _

__She wants to be around to meet the new meat, that's all. She's his big sister. That's her prerogative. So Laura lets Stiles into the house without letting Derek know so he could change. She wants to get this over with quick – for good or for ill. Like ripping off a bandaid._ _

__Laura's pretty sure that as much as both Stiles and Derek think they know, they're at least 85% clueless. She's just trying to do them both a solid here. She is tired of Derek and the people he's interested in finding out slowly only to get their hearts broken when the truth wins out. It matters because this kid is someone Derek actually talks about to her. He sounds like he likes the guy. A lot. Like a LOT. Like more than he's liked anyone in years. In fact, Laura has actually pictured Derek hugging the _Hyperbole and A Half_ Alot and going "I like Stiles a lot, Alot." _ _

__Therefore: she is sure she is right on this one. Oppa Bandaid Style._ _

__So Laura walks him up the stairs and knocks once and says Derek's name and Derek heaves a sigh then throws open the door saying, "Jesus Laura, what?" and then Stiles and Derek both freeze because Derek is wearing a lavender sleep shirt/nightgown...thing. It's got a square neck lined in wide ribbon in an even paler purple around the collar with a bow the size of a dollar bill in the center in the same smooth ribbon. There's this flower pattern on the body out to the short sleeves._ _

__It's short on him, so much that it barely covers things. Thankfully it covers enough that if he were to, say, go downstairs Laura won't be traumatized because no one wants to see their sibling's junk. They just don't.Stiles is staring because what the hell even is that? He's taking in the pale purple fabric, the sweep of the skirt, the long expanse of Derek's bare legs. Derek is just frozen with fear, pure animal fear._ _

__So far so good. Laura is pretty sure. Laura slaps Stiles onto the shoulder and says "Derek, you've got a friend here to see you. You guys talk. I'll be in my room if you need me. Right on the other side of the wall."_ _

__Then she squeezes Stiles shoulder so hard that it hurts ow, what the fuck? A moment later she vanishes leaving Derek and Stiles alone and without thinking Stiles breathes "Oh my God you're so pretty," Then he's blushing because whoa that was not what he meant to say at all. "It's pretty, I mean. The shirt, dress, thing. I like the color. It looks really good on you. It's pretty. On you. I- Ugh. I'm sorry. Can a hole open in your floor for me to fall through and die now?"_ _

__Derek nods his head once. Then he opens the door to his bedroom wider. It feels so much bigger than a simple step when he lets Stiles inside._ _

__And Derek's got a nice room - its big and there's lots of stuff - baseball trophies and a 32 inch flat screen and a new laptop and books and books and his case files and clothing in a pile next to the hamper. Even from just inside the door, Stiles can see pieces of bright colored cotton mixed in with dirty jeans and dark t-shirts and Henleys._ _

__The place is seriously lived in, like, clearly Derek spends most of his time in here. It's actually a little sad. Like, Stiles wants to drag him out of here, nightshirt and all, and take him out to a movie or something._ _

__Stiles stands around feeling like an ass and an idiot for awhile before he goes over and sits on Derek's unmade bed. Derek is still standing around by the door looking awkward. So, Stiles digs out the shit he learned in his gender studies class from last semester and goes "So. What gender pronoun do you prefer?"_ _

__Right, so now Derek is confused. Because what? No, seriously. "What?" He doesn't even understand the question._ _

__"Well, you know, I'm just guessing but you kinda vibe, you know, vaguely genderqueer to me and most people like to choose their own pronouns. You know if you identify as female then I can call you she or her but if you don't and if you identify male then you know, stick to what we've got but if you prefer something else - like zie or hir, let me know. I'm cool with that." Stiles is fidgeting and Derek can't help but stare. "I just want you to feel comfortable around me." He says. Then he smiles. "Hey, if you don't want me to call you Derek, then tell what your name is and I will do that too."_ _

__"What?" Derek repeats. He hasn't felt this stunned since Kate hit him for the first time. It's the same jarring impact, same overwhelming sense of terror but there's hope tied to it too. Stiles is still smiling after all. "I'm Derek."_ _

__"Okay cool. And, uh, just so I don't upset you again, what's your gender?" He asks and it's clear that he really wants an answer._ _

__Like he doesn't know. Like Derek could give an answer other than male. Like there are other options - female or other._ _

__Other exists._ _

__He avoided that sort of thing after Kate, He didn't want to know what else was out there, where he fit because he just wanted to be himself. So he stuck to his quiet rituals and his private expression - painting his toenails when it's winter and he knows no one will see his feet, the clothes like the one he's wearing now - just for him, soft and secure and so right._ _

__"I, uh, I don't know."_ _

__"Okay."_ _

__"Laura, she likes to use mostly male, has since we were kids. It's not right exactly but, um, it's in the ball park I guess."_ _

__"Okay. So. Is it cool if I use he for now?" Stiles asks, genuinely asks and when Derek nods, he smiles even bigger. Stiles has a gorgeous fucking smile. "Let me know if you change your mind?"_ _

__Derek nods and before he knows what he's doing, he's sitting down on the bed beside Stiles. His smooth legs are an obvious opposite of the hairy calves that Stiles's baggy shorts reveal. It's the first time Derek's ever seen the difference up close._ _

__Then Derek laughs. Suddenly, Derek is acutely aware that using "he" and "himself" isn't something that's required. It's liberating but it's terrifying._ _

__For now, Derek thinks that going with Stiles's suggestion to stick with "he" will work. Maybe that's who Derek will always be. But the idea that a choice could be made to be something in between, that there are words that could provide another description? It makes Derek want to cry._ _

__Stiles reaches out and covers his hand. "It's nice to meet you," he says. "The real you."_ _

__And Fuck, what the hell is Derek supposed to say to that? He can't even wrap his mind around this kind of response from anyone outside his family. It's too much and he squeezes his eyes shut. He doesn't want to cry._ _

__"Stiles, why are you here?" he asks the dark._ _

__"In case I wasn't clear, I'm seriously into you and you thought I was trying to hurt you. But I'm not. I'm here because I'm your friend whether you're into me back or not. You don't owe me anything. I just want to hang out around you. You're smart. You're awesome. You're-"_ _

__"Pretty," Derek whispers. "That's what you said."_ _

__"Duh. Just look in a mirror, dude. You know you're gorgeous."_ _

__Derek shakes his head. "No. Pretty's different."_ _

__Stiles clears his throat and Derek opens his eyes. Stiles's face is twisted up with embarrassment and his ears are red, because yeah, he knows Derek is right. Pretty is different. It's loaded with feminine connotations that make Derek ache with want._ _

__"Yeah. You are. You're fucking pretty in that." He waves his hand at the camisole. "Now that I see you in it I, um, I kind of want to see you in something else, which now that I hear myself say it out loud I realize is wildly inappropriate. Wow, my filter is just gone today isn't it? If you see it let me know because I did have some self control at one point in my life."_ _

__"Something else."_ _

__"Yeah? Just like, you know, whatever. You so didn't mean for me to see you in this anymore than the panties right? Not that I've been thinking about your panties. Or you in your panties. I meant something else in a nonsexual way. I just. You're- You know. You know?"_ _

__Derek's eyes narrow and his hackles rise. "Are you into cross-dressing or something? Is that kink for you?" It takes every ounce of self-control Derek has not to yank his hand out from under Stiles. He stays because Derek likes him, so much, too much and for the first time in a forever he's got hope._ _

__Even so, even with all of that if this is just about how Derek dresses or looks, then no. Being wanted just because of the way he dresses obviously isn't the worst thing that has happened to him but Derek won't be some kind of fetish object. It's the same kind of mindset that lead Kate to nearly kill him, only this comes from the opposite direction. Someone is still looking at him as a thing rather than a person._ _

__Stiles shakes his head because that is not his kink. He has proof re: the drag queens he hung out with in high school. Actually, he still hangs out with a lot of them now that he's back in Beacon Hills because Allison and Scott are off like Shrek in Far Far Away. They're his only friends in town besides Derek and while Stiles may have hooked up with a couple of them over the years, it was always out of drag. Well, except for that one time when he and Cocoa Dior fooled around when they were both in drag. Stiles never had been able to come up with a decent drag name to the Girls' eternal disappointment._ _

__Anyway, Stiles' point is nope nope nope. Transvesticism isn't his thing, panties aren't his thing, and uniforms aren't his kinks either because _Derek_ is his thing. Honesty's the best policy and all that, plus he's a terrible liar so he just comes out with that._ _

__"You're my thing and you are just...you make me stupid and I'm not talking about the way you look although - bonus. I seriously want to like, get underneath your skirt and blow you like that, you know, with the fabric over my head? Which is actually more graphic than I meant to be here God, sorry. I kind of babble? When I get nervous? But no. No, no I just like you the way you are and you're more..."_ _

__He waves his hand at Derek's face because that's where the real difference is, even though the clothing is so dramatic. His face is set differently, like his skin fits over his skull correctly all of a sudden. It's amazing. He is amazing. "You're more _you_ this way. I like you so when you're the you that's you-er." At which point Stiles stops and does this awkward self-deprecating smile and rubs the back of his neck. "I'm not sure that makes sense because I turned into a Dr. Seuss book but it sounded right in my head."_ _

__Then Derek kisses him because he hasn't kissed anyone since Kate and Stiles is the antithesis of Kate and he just- he has to. Because he really does like Stiles. He's wanted to say "yes" every time Stiles asked him out because he's funny and sweet and a huge dork in a way that means he would probably understand Derek's form of dorkiness(which is mostly that he's not very great at articulating his feelings, or thoughts, or Things In General which makes him seem even more shy than he really is and also that he has no patience for bullshit which makes him come off like a Jesse-Eisenberg-in-The-Social-Network style asshole when really that's not how he is at all) so yeah. He really has wanted to let Stiles take him out._ _

__Only there was this - this identity that he's been hiding for what feels like forever because he was- Well to be honest he was scared out of his freaking mind. Kate broke three of his ribs which caused a pulmonary pneumothorax which nearly killed him before help arrived. He had to get rhinoplasty to fix what she did to his nose and parts of his jaw are still held together with a titanium plate and screws._ _

__He never thought Stiles would do that. He's the Sheriff's son. After everything the man had done for him - Derek knew that meant Stiles was good people, just by association, when they first met. Since then, working together, Stiles has done nothing but prove that to be true over and over. Derek just didn't want to see the rejection or disgust. Except there wasn't any. There was just Stiles asking him who he really was and then encouraging him, wanting him as he was._ _

__So Derek has to be kissing him. He has to see if those lips taste and feel as good as he imagined they would and they do. Holy shit they really do._ _

__One of Stiles's hands land on his leg and slide down to his knee. Stiles pulls back and goes "Oh my god. Oh my god Derek. You feel so fucking good," and Derek feels sexy for the first time in a decade._ _

__For Stiles the thing is that he has been with very few people in his life and been in a real relationghip has been with a grand total of two people EVER in his whole life. One of them was a girl he met at a frat party. (Their first two weeks of college, Scott talked him into pledging ΩBA during rush. The whole pledge-hazing experience was a hot mess of which they do not speak except you know, during ΩBA parties when there is too much weed and no Allison around to screen Scott's mouth). Erin was fun and blonde and patient as hell. He'd been a virgin and wow did he need that patience. Of course that patience didn't extend to his actual personality so they lasted all of a semester before she realized that no, that was not just a ploy to get attention that was his actual sense of humor and they broke it off. Mostly they had sex, her smooth skin gliding against him._ _

__The next semester there'd been Kayden, who took Stiles's bisexuality from theoretical to tangible. Kayden had the same hair color as Lydia, down to his earlobes with bangs and thick chest hair that was complemented by a perpetual five-day beard. Very Jeffery Dean Morgan – the kind of grizzly look that gives Stiles the option of tangling his fingers in his hair or the fur on his chest while he fucked Kayden or Kayden fucked him._ _

__Yeah. Good times were had by all and then Kayden graduated and that was that. No harm no foul. Whatever. Stiles was not ready for another Deep And Meaningful Emotional Attachment after _finally_ getting over Lydia Martin. Between that and his father's heart attack there had been a less than a handful of one nighters here and there, his charm sometimes worked at keg parties too. During breaks he sometimes hooked up with Cocoa when she stepped out of her fabulous pumps to come back to being plain old Connor Donnolly or David, another one of drag queens who went by Deviva Divine on stage. Other those few, which were even less than it seemed when Stiles pulled memories from the encounters from the spank tank, there wasn't much._ _

__Only now there is Derek Hale. Being here with him like this is so different from both Erin and Kayden. He's broad and heavy like Kayden but sleek and smooth like Erin and Stiles has to stop and reminds himself that yeah, that's the point here Stilinski. Duh._ _

__Derek isn't a guy. He's not a girl either. He's just _Derek_. That means that he falls somewhere in between and guess what? Stiles likes him this way. It feels nice to slide his fingertips halfway up his calf, then down over his knee and back. There's no hair for friction, just a smooth glide like girl but then there's pecks and cock like a guy and yes. Fucking _yes_. _ _

__So Stiles is kissing him again. His other hand holds the back of Derek's neck and Derek moans at the touch. Derek has wanted this. Derek's wanted hands on him for years, wanted so many things for so long. This though, this is better than he could've imagined because Stiles knows and Stiles still cares._ _

__Derek fights a whimper when Stiles breaks away. It's a near thing._ _

__"We should date," Stiles says._ _

__Derek glares at him because what the fuck even? Seriously. They were making out like ten seconds ago now Stiles is talking about dating? Argh, fuck that. Derek could kill him, he really could._ _

__Dating is a good thing, yes, but kissing is better. He feels like getting this point across is very important._ _

__"Or I could get on top of you and we could go on a date tomorrow?" Derek offers because mouth, Stiles mouth, he really needs to kiss it again. Why aren’t they kissing? It makes Derek wish he'd put on his lipgloss when he got home so he could smear it on Stiles' mouth and jaw with his lips. He wants to see that, wants to feel how it would change the slide of their lips against each other - if it would be better or worse? He wants to strip down to just the red cotton bikini cut panties he's wearing and see what Stiles says about it. Probably something stupid but sweet and hopefully hot because this is Stiles._ _

__"Kissing is super good," Stiles agrees. "I am down for the kissing. But tomorrow - we go on a date. And uh," He watches Stiles swallow hard. "This is going to sound pushy but would you wear one of your skirts or dresses? Or like, not one of those, just anything that's really you is cool, it doesn’t have to be anything stereotypically female but just something that brings out the you-er you. If that's dude clothes that's cool, just anything that you feel like is Derek-y. I want you to be Derek, not Deputy Hale. For me? I mean." He jerks his head at the closet. "For you too. I'm not one of those weird control freaks or anything. You can tell me to go fuck myself. I'll understand. It's just that I can see that you have them, is all. And you just seem so much happier, like this." He runs his hand hesitantly along the ribbon neckline of the nightshirt Derek's still wearing. "I want you to be comfortable with me, happy."_ _

__Derek has to be on top of him. Has to. It's required - like air and water and the rotation of the earth around the sun. He pushes Stiles back onto his bed and straddled his hips and kisses him until they both can’t breathe. Stiles grabs the back of his thighs to brace himself. Those are smooth too and Stiles moans then jerks away with a gasp. "So pretty. Derek, God, you are so fucking pretty like this I can't-_ _

__He does though. He's the only one who ever has. Derek feels like he should offer some sort burnt offering as thanks to whichever god decided he deserves this. Really something way better than the usual food item it is so amazing._ _

__Stiles is so amazing. His hands are warm and firm and they don’t stop moving for a second. They're just like the rest of Stiles that way. The thought makes him laugh actually._ _

__"What?" Stiles demands. "No really?" He presses when Derek keeps laughing. "What?"_ _

__"Nothing it's just...you. What the hell are you?"_ _

__"I'm a Stiles," he replies with a big smile. "And you are a Derek. It is very simple."_ _

__"It's really not."_ _

__"Yes it is. Now come here." Here is down into Stiles' arms for more kissing. It's all they do even though they're both hard but it’s enough. It's more than enough because they fall asleep together and wow, that's something else. Derek's never done that before._ _

__The next day, Stiles wakes up, pokes him in the side and says "So. Date. Movie and dinner, on me. I'll see you tonight night. What time?"_ _

__"Six thirty?" Most movies start at eight because of reasons. Derek doesn't know why. He's not the movie police._ _

__"Perfect. Six thirty it is," Stiles says then kisses Derek's palm and leaves. He waits until he's off the Hale property to do an air punch because yes. He totally nailed that one._ _

__Only now they are totally going to go on a date. Which means preparation, a step which is not Stiles's favorite, but has never been his downfall either. Stiles shows up in nice jeans and a long sleeved jacket over one of his nicer t-shirts. Allison kicked Scott off Skype to help him Make Wise Choices. God bless her she even has a term for the style: dress casual. He loves Allison. She's the best sister he never had._ _

__He knocks on the door and Laura opens the it. She stands there for the longest time and just beams. She is beaming like sunshine here. Stiles is concerned about UV levels and also demon possession as Laura Hale is not his biggest fan lately._ _

__Finally she opens the door wide and ushers him inside. "Man, Stiles, you clean up nice. Come in. You can wait here. Derek's upstairs. I'll go get him." Then she's gone before he can say thanks - giggling. She giggles a bunch. Again, Stiles is concerned about demonic forces at work because Laura giggling can’t mean good things for him._ _

__She comes back down the stairs at a thunderous run and skids to a halt in front of him. "He's coming." Her expression is pure smugness now which is at least more in character than the unholy glee though no more reassuring._ _

__Stiles is so nervous his palms are sweating. It's gross. He's wiping them off on his pants when there are footsteps on that main stairwell. It's a freaking My Fair Lady moment and Jesus, Derek looks good._ _

__Derek, on the other hand, feels ridiculously exposed. He's in one of his newer Henleys from Abercrombie and Fitch but he got the red a-line skirt online. It comes down to just above his knees. His fingers shook a little as he zipped it up but at the same time a little thrill went through him. He hasn't worn anything that announced his feminine side in public in so long his nerves are overwhelming but it's a good buzz. The acceptance Stiles gave him makes him brave, gave him hope, and he plans to ride it as far as he can for his own sake. He wants his identity back, gods damnit_ _

__The shoes he picked are nothing so dramatic. He went with his only pair of Converse that he's had since he was 16 because he tried the outfit with his high heels, work boots, tennis shoes, flats, loafers, and flip-flops and none of them worked. These at least are comfortable._ _

__He rubs the back of his neck nervously because Stiles is staring. He's wondering if eyeliner was too much. He's always wanted to try it outside of his bathroom and maybe it looks stupid with his short, gelled hair and five o'clock shadow. In the mirror he'd liked it, liked the contrast between his darkened eyes and the rich red lipstick Laura helped him pick out the last time they visited their cousins in New York._ _

__Laura put a necklace on him, the triskelion that their family has been using in their religious ceremonies for hundreds of years. This small charm sits on his chest on a thin silver chain that's delicate but feels like a little bit of armor against Stiles's staring. She'd wanted to lend him some of her earrings but Derek let the holes close after- Well. _After.__ _

__He has one tattooed on his back that his mother and father allowed him to get despite being underage as part of a healing and protection rite. That came _After_ as well. He decided to get the triskelion inked on his skin at the same time he decided that he couldn’t go back to Beacon Hills High. He doesn't regret either choice.__

___"Hi," Derek chokes out. His voice is quiet and rough and wow, he sounds pathetic. Anyway, Stiles is still staring. And staring. And staring. He won’t stop staring. "Say something. Please?"_ _ _

___"You are...did you ever see She's All That? Because this is like that moment when Rachael Leigh Cook comes down the stairs after Sookie from True Blood gives her a make-over and Freddy Prinze Jr. is standing there and he looks like he just saw the most beautiful thing ever?" Stiles asks and Derek nods. Stiles beams. "I'm having that moment only you are way more beautiful than Rachael. By like a lot. I mean, wow."_ _ _

___Derek smiles back but it's small and he feels dorky just standing there. He nods and says "Thanks" and Stiles holds out his hand, like the freaking Beast does to Belle in the dance sequence and okay, he knows that is a ridiculous reference but that’s honestly what this feels like. He lets Stiles take it and lead him out the door to his seriously old and ugly Jeep._ _ _

___So they go to the movies, which is great because between the two of them they keep a running obnoxious commentary through the whole thing. Then afterwards they go for dinner but there's a half hour wait. That's fine except people stare. They don’t just stare; they oggle. Everyone knows them. It's Deputy Hale and the son of the Sheriff. Everyone knows and people talk. The whispering feels so loud that Derek feels like his ears are bleeding. It is literally every worst nightmare Derek has ever had._ _ _

___Then Lydia Martin appears with her Ken-doll fiancé and gasps, hands coming over her mouth. Here eyes are huge and wide and she goes "Oh my god, where did you get that skirt?"_ _ _

___Derek feels like sinking into the ground but he shrugs and says "Um, Bluefly.com?" He doesn’t shop for women's clothes anywhere but online these days._ _ _

___"It is so cute!" She taps his arm. "Congratulations," she declares. "You are officially my new best friend." Then her eyes rake over Stiles and she goes "Oh. Hey, Stiles."_ _ _

___"Hi Lydia."_ _ _

___“Oh, hey, Stiles,” Lydia says with the warmth that Stiles earned with blood, sweat and way too many viewings of the Notebook when she and Jackson were off-again but that lasts all of a heartbeat before her full attention is locked back on Derek. She slips her arm into Derek’s somehow slides between them like red-hot scalpel, smooth and painless. "Anyway, we clearly need to talk because that lipstick? Beyond awesome. Is it MAC? I live and die by MAC products. No one else makes colored eyeliner that doesn’t make the wearer look like a cheap French whore."_ _ _

___"Urban Decay," Derek replies, dazed. He has sisters, lots of sisters, but he didn’t really have many friends growing up and he had precious few female friends in college after Kate. It was safe to say that none of them came close to resembling Lydia Martin and her hurricane of personality._ _ _

___"Really? I find it hard to find shades that match my skin. Seriously, though, if you _really_ need someone to go out with," she gives Stiles a skeptical look, then pulls a pen out of her pocket. She grabs his hand and scribbles her number on it. "You can always just let me know." She gives Stiles another dry look then pats Derek on the shoulder. "Call me! I need to go shoe shopping and those atrocities do nothing for your calves, which are great."_ _ _

___"My calves?"_ _ _

___"Well yeah. You have these fantastically muscled legs and you are doing them _no_ favors in those Chucks. Seriously. I expect to hear from you in 24 hours or I'll call 911 just to get a hold of you through dispatch. Bye Derek." Then as an afterthought she adds "Oh, yeah, you too Stiles." _ _ _

___"Bye Lydia," Stiles says with a hugely enthusiastic wave then turns to Derek and just beams. "You passed the Lydia Martin Coolness Test. Congrats man. I spent fifteen years trying to do what you accomplished in about three minutes. Normally I'd pretend not to be jealous and seethe quietly." He laces his fingers with Derek's and squeezes then says "But I'm here with you so screw Lydia Martin."_ _ _

___And then Stiles goes quiet after that which makes Derek nervous. Stiles doesn’t really do quiet. He squeezes Stiles' hand back. "Hey. You okay?"_ _ _

___Stiles startles, then laughs and blushes. "Sorry, I suddenly had this really vivid image of you literally screwing Lydia Martin which is both hot and disturbing. " He gives Derek a sheepish look then blushes even harder. "And, wow. I just heard myself. That is incredibly inappropriate. I am doing that a lot lately. God, I’m sorry."_ _ _

___Stiles's behavior is more entertaining than the movie. The guy has displayed a terminal case of foot-in-mouth syndrome from the first moment Derek met him. Granted their initial meeting involved the question “Has your face ever caused someone to die of attraction?" which was both terrible and adorable and set a fairly solid precedent for Stiles saying things without filtering them. The thing is that while Stiles is not the only person to say stupid shit but he catches himself faster than anyone Derek's ever met and the results so far are all like this one, a sincere but hilarious apology that leaves him smiling if not laughing outright most of the time. That’s the monumental thing here, really that Stiles makes him laugh. Not many people can make that claim. That fact makes this whole thing seem very high stakes. "It's okay," Derek says with a chuckle, finding he really does mean it. It is okay. It’s more than okay. He likes the idea that Stiles has been thinking about him because the Goddess certainly knows that he has been thinking about Stiles._ _ _

___"No, it's not. It was unacceptable, not to mention really rude. My dad raised me so much better than this," Stiles groans, dragging his free hand over his face. "Please don’t tell him I said that. And I promise I'm not fetishizing you. Or her. It's just she was the most attractive person I ever met for a decade. Then I met you and you've bumped her into second place. So idea of first and second hottest people alive together all naked and sweaty? I’m sorry but, gah, it broke my brain for a second and when my brain breaks my mouth decides that it’s got the go-ahead to say things I don’t mean to say."_ _ _

___Derek's neck gets hot and he brings Stiles's hand up so he can do something stupid, which ends up being kissing the backs of his fingers. It's not sweet. It's actually kind of creepy, so why the hell is he so charmed? He doesn’t know but he keeps Stiles' hand there, pressed against his lips for much longer than is necessary._ _ _

___Stiles, on the other hand, is dying, okay? He is fucking dying. Derek looks so fucking amazing that Stiles can’t believe he's willing to go out in public with Stiles. Like at all. How Derek doesn’t realize that he's about fifty thousand yards out of Stiles league is a mystery. But he doesn't push it. He wants Derek to keep holding his hand and leave smears of red lip color on his knuckles that Stiles will never wash off if he can help it._ _ _

___Dinner is quiet because, well, Stiles is resisting the urge to ask where this Derek has been hiding and also, Derek is shy. He keeps glancing around, looking for eyes that aren’t on him. No one in Beacon Hills gives a shit. No one cares about Derek and what he chooses to wear on his day off – unless it's to see how kick-ass he looks in that skirt and that liner. Even if they did, they could jump off a cliff._ _ _

___"Sorry," Derek says after their order is taken. "I don't have a lot of dating experience."_ _ _

___"And I do? I was in a perpetual drought in high school and then I got to college and it was like...two moderately successful six week flings – one with this girl Erin and another with this guy Kayden and now, tada. So, congrats, you are the third person to ever find me attractive enough to eat with. I feel like I should get you a medal."_ _ _

___"Yeah. I'm-" He looks around again. His nervousness is adorkable. Stiles can totally relate. "I don't normally go out."_ _ _

___"I can see that, but hey," Stiles reaches out and covers his hand on the table. "No one's looking at you. No one cares, so just you know, look at me and ask me terribly awkward questions about my gawky childhood and embarrassing adolescent lacrosse stage where I literally sat on the bench for 4 years or, I don't know, my favorite color."_ _ _

___"Your favorite color is red." That's a what the fuck moment for Stiles, because how does Derek know that and why is he blushing. "You wear it all the time so I thought-" And then Derek's eyes flick down._ _ _

___Yeah. The skirt's red and so's the lipstick. Stiles has another what the fuck moment, but it segues into an ‘oh fuck yes’ moment because Derek wore his favorite color. For him. He is going to die, seriously he is._ _ _

___"Oh."_ _ _

___Derek flushes a little then looks down and says his favorite color is blue which is kind of surprising because hi, uniform or black _all_ the time but whatever. _ _ _

___It gets easier from there and they've just decided to get dessert when Stiles asks "So did you always want to be a cop?"_ _ _

___Derek shakes his head. "I thought I wanted to be an astronaut when I was a kid and when I was like fifteen I had these angsty teenage ideals about being a starving artist and a pro-basketball player or something but you know, you need talent for that and inspiration and then," he breaks off. "Your dad. He sort of- he showed me that you could make a difference in this job, if you really wanted to and I wanted to."_ _ _

___So the conversation comes to a screeching halt because Stiles wants to ask what exactly his dad did but won’t and Derek wants to tell but won’t and they are just sitting there silently until dessert comes, at which point Derek shrugs and is like "I like it though" so it’s all good._ _ _

___They get back to the front porch of the Hale house and Derek is shifting from foot to foot. Stiles is no expert but he _knows_ now is the time for a good night kiss but before he can go in for the kill Derek takes a step back towards his door. Awkward. Then he says "You want to come in for coffee?" and oh yeah. That is a tried and true sex invite. Or, if not sex? Cuddles. Stiles could totally do cuddles. He isn't greedy. He just likes being close to Derek okay? He's easy. He can admit this. No shame. NO. SHAME. _ _ _

___"How do you want to do this?" He asks because he has no idea how Derek approaches sex. Maybe it’s exactly the same as it was with Kayden – suck and fuck and handies plain and simple but maybe not. Stiles knows his own identity's effected his own personal approach to sex as a man so. He wants to know and he doesn't want to assume. This feels too big to risk. Derek is too important to rush._ _ _

___"I don't know." Derek feels hot and cold all over. Hot because Stiles hands set him on fire but bone-deep cold because the last time he did this was with Kate._ _ _

___He rubs his hands over his face and hates her so much because she's standing next to him, right now. He's back at the first time he told her who he is, right after they made love, when she went still and silent and rolled out of bed saying she had somewhere she needed to be. If he'd known what she was going to do the next day, that where she’d been going was to talk to her psychotic holyroller preacher father about the cleansing power of fire and abominations and “thou shall not suffer a witch to live”, Derek would have followed her out. He would’ve demanded to know what was what then run home to tell his parents who probably would’ve called the cops._ _ _

___Instead, well, Kate got to rot in jail. His ribs only really hurt when it rained. Stiles is here, knowing and staying and embracing Derek as he is, not the man society thinks he should be. So none of it mattered anymore._ _ _

___"Derek? I'm going to kiss you, okay?"_ _ _

___Derek nods and Stiles does. It feels good, but suddenly the cold is stronger than the heat. It's like he can feel her presence between them and he can't forget how she ruined him._ _ _

___She ruined everything, even this._ _ _

___He stops the kiss and turns his face away feeling stupid. He doesn't want to stop. He doesn't want to pull away but he can't help it. He has to break away or he'll vomit ice and freeze to death from the inside out. He sighs out and drops his forehead to rest against Stiles. "I'm sorry. I'm a mess."_ _ _

___"I don't think you are."_ _ _

___Derek wants to scream in frustration. He would pull his hair but that requires letting go of Stiles first so, no. He sighs instead, and says, "I want to. I want to sleep with you."_ _ _

___And Stiles is like "sleeping is good. We could sleep. Maybe cuddle. I love cuddles. I'm kind of a cuddle slut. No lie. If you could catch VD from cuddling, I'd be riddled with the pox."_ _ _

___Derek groans because damnit. Gods fucking damnit, this is not fair and not right. He was fine with kissing Stiles yesterday. He was ready to be all about the grinding and the rubbing and the orgasming. Now though? Now it’s like he's stuck in this awful place Kate made and he hates her. Holy shit, he hates her so much. Before he met her, Derek had never hated anything. Not even Brussels sprouts, which are and were fucking disgusting._ _ _

___Stiles deserves better than this. Better than him. It all sucks but he doesn’t want to let Stiles think it’s his fault so Derek says "I fucking hate her."_ _ _

___"Kate?" Stiles asks and Derek doesn’t need to ask how he knows._ _ _

___Everyone knows. The fire and bashing is local history so only the youngest or newest residents don’t know what happened. Derek just assumes that whenever he goes out in anything other than his uniform the entire population of Beacon Hills thinks "there's the scared, pathetic, little fucker who couldn’t even stop their size two girlfriend from beating them into raw hamburger and torching their house." The incident was front-page news after all. It's one of the thickest layers of humiliation in the parfait of shame that has been his life since he was 16._ _ _

___"Yeah," Derek croaks. "I'm sorry. I just-"_ _ _

___"Are traumatized?" Stiles asks. Derek flinches. He can’t help it, but Stiles doesn’t seem to notice. He just charges on in that Stiles-y way of his. "Because if Erin, that’s the girl I lost my virginity to, I told you about her, had assaulted me and burned my dad's house to the ground? That'd be a pretty big trauma for me. I'd be pretty traumatized. I mean, that’s just me."_ _ _

___Derek has pulled back and is staring again because SERIOUSLY. Where did Stiles come from? It's crazy. "Yeah."_ _ _

___"So. No sex. No kissing even. I just- you know, I'd like to hold you some, but if that’s not cool we can just sit by each other and watch TV? Whatever. I told you I just like being around you."_ _ _

___"I want to though," and okay he sounds like a whiny kid now but he does. Ugh, fucking fuck his life._ _ _

___"I know,” Stiles agrees. “I want to, too, but I mean, if we both want it that means we’ll get there, right?”_ _ _

___“Yeah,” Derek manages to force out but knows that it sounds weak._ _ _

___Stiles leans in, resting their foreheads together before pulling back._ _ _

___“We can’t do everything now but we will. At least, everything we want to, because we don’t have to do everything. I mean, there are some things that are just straight up unsafe, like, my lower back cannot handle some of those moves in the Kama Sutra.”_ _ _

___Derek tries a glower but it cracks. Imagining Stiles naked and flopping around like a fish trying to play Twister is enough to ruin even the best poker face, Derek is sure. “Do I want to know?”_ _ _

___“Okay so I tried some of the more, uh, advanced moves solo a mano back in tenth grade and had to explain to my dad and Coach Finstock why I couldn’t go to practice for two weeks. Everything else we want, we’ll do. Eventually. And if we do, you know, end up doing stuff before you kick me out, that would also be, um, good."_ _ _

___Okay, Derek is laughing now which is the staple of the time he spends with Stiles. He makes Derek feel light inside, weightless and glowing. Even before tonight when Derek was pushing him away with both hands, Stiles could draw a grin out of Derek at the station or those “bro nights” like no one else ever had. Right now, on a date that could have just crashed and burned, Derek is laughing and leaning into Stiles as he grins back._ _ _

___"Besides, it’s only technically our first date. I heard once that there’s something called a third date rule that's upheld in most in standard code of courtship practices in sexually liberated countries. Granted, I play fast and loose with my courtships practices so I could be wrong. "_ _ _

___Derek smiles. “We’re pirates. Hang the code and hang the rules. They’re more like guidelines anyway."_ _ _

___Stiles snorts in approval and lets Derek drag him inside. Derek feels the familiar sense of achievement buzzing up his spine he always gets when he can keep up with Stiles’s rapid-fire pop culture mind. It’s one of the highlights of slow shifts at the station and turns out it’s no different here at his own house, all dressed up and cuddled close. Actually this is better because Stiles is grinning at him and draws a finger down his jaw in appreciation. "Yeah, Captain Barbossa, parlay. Oh, hey,” his head jerks over to the entertainment center, “Do you have that movie? We could watch it instead." Which is how they end up on the freaking living room couch watching Pirates of the Caribbean with Stiles tucked up under Derek's shoulder which is a very guy-oriented position for Derek to be in and sort of the opposite of where he was when they started this date._ _ _

___It’s fucking great how much the difference doesn’t matter. He’s sprawled out in a position Laura would call “dudely” with Weirdly familiar but different too because he still has his skirt on. It shouldn’t make a difference, and if he were alone it wouldn’t but Stiles is here, beside him, cuddled against him and it does matter. It matters because of how much it doesn’t effect them at all. Derek wonders if this is what peace feels like. He really hopes so._ _ _

___Only halfway through, Stiles's hand drops to his knee and Derek would think it’s totally calculated except he's mouthing along with the dialogue and is like "Parlay! I invoke parlay!" or whatever and is mostly using his knee to brace himself so he can lean forward to watch the screen more closely which is probably why Derek does it. He covers Stiles's hand with his own and slides it up the inside of his thigh and okay, no one gives a shit about Captain Jack Sparrow anymore because Stiles's hand is like an inch from his groin._ _ _

___Derek is so grateful that Stiles doesn't ask if he's okay. He's not sure he would be if had to answer that question. It would hit all the wrong buttons. Derek wants to stay far away from those buttons because as it is, he's just fucking fine with Stiles turning his head and smiling as he cups Derek's cock with his whole palm and squeezes lightly. He makes a contented humming sound and presses his lips to the side of Derek's neck which is so good. Derek forgot how good it could be to have someone else touch him even if he's wanted it for what feels like forever. He groans and tips his head back for Stiles to nuzzle the skin before they're kissing. It goes on for what feels like hours before Stiles pushes his skirt up around his hips so he can get better access, can wrap his fist around Derek's hardening cock._ _ _

___"Look at you," Stiles murmurs, eyes huge and dark as he stares at Derek. "You're so beautiful and you feel so good. Oh my god how are you even real?" directly into the skin beneath Derek's jaw. "I can barely look at you. It’s like staring into the freaking sun.”_ _ _

___Derek's whole body goes tense but it’s not with panic. No, this is pleasure because oh Gods, he didn't think- he didn't know something so innocuous as words could unravel him like this. He chokes out Stiles's name but it seems completely insufficient._ _ _

___Then Stiles is grinning against his cheek. "Do you like it when I call you pretty?” he asks and Derek nods desperately as he lifts his hips up off the couch to push into Stiles's spit-wet fist. He nuzzles against Derek’s stubble as he speaks, a jolting acknowledgement of his masculinity that makes this even better because Stiles is fucking the whole of him, not just bits and pieces. “Yeah? Do you like that? Like I can see how you can be my pretty baby, Derek?” Derek nods again and whimpers, emboldened by the words to reach back and pull at Stiles's hair. It seems to be the on-switch for his mouth because it sets him off. “Me too. I love that you’ll let me see how gorgeous you really are right now, sweetheart. It’s better than I imagined. So much better nowI can smell you and taste you,” he mouths at Derek’s jaw as he speaks, lips scraping over hair and skin. “Jesus sweetheart, I wish you could see yourself right now all fuck-pretty and panting. Because you are. You're stunning, baby. Just. You're perfect just like this." His wrist gives a vicious twist and Derek shouts._ _ _

___He prays Laura isn't here or worse, his parents. Laura told him that she dragged them out but she didn’t say how long and he doesn’t want them to see, doesn't want anyone to see what Stiles is doing to him, turning him into a vibrating wave of pure, crystalline pleasure._ _ _

___"Jesus. You can't- Stiles, oh Gods."_ _ _

___"Can't what, Derek? Tell you how you look? Because you look so fucking gorgeous I could die, sweetheart, you really do... Can't tell you that I want you to be mine? Because I do. You know I do. I have since we met and you can have all of me too if you want. I promise. Do you mean that I can't call you my sweetheart, my baby? Because I can stop." Then he freezes, he stops everything and no. That's not what Derek wanted. He opens his eyes to find Stiles staring at him. "Derek, hey, seriously, just tell me and I'll stop, you know, saying this stuff and-"_ _ _

___“I’m too close. I can’t take it," Derek gasps. "Don't. Don't fucking stop any of it. And the names thing. That's-thats good. It's like- I like it when...”he can't finish a thought, can barely speak._ _ _

___"When I call you sweetheart?" Stiles asks, tries to find the right word while Derek's dick pulses in his hand in time with his words. "Baby? Pretty?"_ _ _

___“More.”_ _ _

___Stiles is staring at him with those bright eyes of his taking in everything, all of Derek. “More?” Stiles's eyes go bright with an idea and he grins a smile that reminds Derek a little of a wolf looking at particularly delicious prey. "My boy? My girl?"_ _ _

___Derek groans. He knows that Stiles is just asking so they stay safe, that he's figured out the buttons he just wants to make sure that they don't cross any consent lines or hit any of his veritable bouquet of triggers. What comes out is less of a warning and more of a breathless, needy confession. “From sex, it feels- feels like, 's maybe missing.”_ _ _

___“Oh.” Stiles looks at him half hungry, half awed._ _ _

___Derek cannot handle that look. It is too intense. So he pushes his face into Stiles's neck and pushes his hips up, trying to get more friction. “I don't know. Fuck. Why are you still stopped? Don't stop."_ _ _

___"Hmm," Stiles purrs and it vibrates over his skin. Then yes, there's that tight solid slide and his eyes are rolling back in pleasure as Stiles murmurs, "You're fucking amazing like this, beautiful boy. Love it, your cock fucking my fist so good for me, gorgeous girl. Yeah. You do, don't you, sweetheart?"_ _ _

___Only Derek is totally beyond words because this is what he's always wanted. He's both and he's neither and he's everything he's always wanted to be. For the first time, Derek feels like he's being seen as he is – not as he could or ought to be. It's easy when Stiles looks at him. He's Stiles' sweetheart and he's got a rough hand wrapped around his cock and it's perfect._ _ _

___It's perfect and Derek is coming like a freight train. He shouts Stiles's name and pulls his hair and Stiles laughs and whispers something like "That’s it. Just like that. God, that's gorgeous, you're gorgeous."_ _ _

___When Derek is done, Stiles wipes the come off his hand on his own khakis and tugs Derek's skirt back down. "You're amazing," he says into Derek's Adam’s apple. "I never- Seriously. I cannot fucking even with you, Derek. I just can't."_ _ _

___Derek chuckles. "Can't?"_ _ _

___"I can't believe you let me, God, anything. Touch you. See the real you. Make you come."_ _ _

___"Yeah."_ _ _

___Stiles is totally blushing now. He wasn't sure why but his instincts and huge mouth didn't fuck him over this time. He does mental victory arms because doing them in real life would require him to let go of Derek which is just not an option. He settles for a chorus of “Yay!” in his mind instead."Yeah because like...I spent all those months at the station getting to know you as a person and thinking of you as this, to quote another Derek, really, really ridiculously good looking _man_ but then Laura let me in to see the part of you that’s this beautiful woman. That would’ve been enough, to see just that, only you showed me who you actually are, neither and both and just Derek and I– I feel like you gave me the keys to the kingdom of heaven by changing your mind about dating me at all but sharing yourself the way you are, it’s amazing. So when you were all sexified like that I just had to…there was this 3-D IMAX of that I could suddenly really see and feel and it was so--”_ _ _

___Derek watches him make an abortive hand gesture and heaves a heavy sigh. It's a good sigh though, the kind of sigh you make after your first bite of cake or sinking into a hot bath. He doesn't smile but the space in his chest that Kate hollowed out and froze warms a little._ _ _

___“Yeah,” Stiles tries again, with a sheepish smile. “So bottom line, thank you for the amazing orgasm and also not killing me. I just, I couldn’t think of any other way to describe, you know, you. I mean,” Stiles's too-long limbs flail a little in the confined space they've created with their bodies. “Yeah. Word fail. I blame the binary of the English language and also myself for majoring in anthropology and not, like, creative writing or something.”_ _ _

___"I liked when you called me...those things." The words should be a confession but it doesn’t feel like one. It’s just a simple fact and Stiles absorbs it as such which is one of the biggest reliefs Derek's felt in the last ten years. "It felt right. You're crazy, but you make me feel right."_ _ _

___Stiles laughs and looks away. It’s the first time _Stiles ___has been the shy one. "Well I've definitely heard one of those things before."_ _ _

____"You do and you should, you know, come upstairs with me."_ _ _ _

____"I don’t need it," Stiles says. "Seriously. I'm like one good dose of friction away from embarrassing myself."_ _ _ _

____This is good to know. Derek works with said information by undoing Stiles fly and sliding his hand into his boxers. Boxers are so much roomier than the panties Derek prefers but it gives him space to jerk Stiles off. Turns out? Not lying about how close he is. Derek barely touches him before he's coming so hard he's bowing off the couch. Stiles's hand claws out for Derek and ends up fisting in his collar. He tugs so hard it actually rips. That plus the way Stiles bites his lip is probably the hottest thing Derek's ever seen._ _ _ _

____He wipes his hand off on the exact same place on Stiles's pants and Stiles laughs and Derek says "My room" again and this time Stiles doesn’t protest. He lets Derek take him by the hand and lead him upstairs and then strip them both down._ _ _ _

____"Can I make a confession?" Stiles asks, sitting naked on the bed with his legs folded in front of him. "I don’t want to offend you but like...I kinda thought that when you got naked – you'd shift into being more guy-like in my head."_ _ _ _

____Derek is not nervous. Nope. He does not rub his hands over his upper arms. He can’t help the red that spreads down his neck and across his chest. He tips his head to the side like he's asking _And?_ but really he's thinking _please don’t fuck this up, please don’t be another asshole.__ _ _ _

____"You are kind of, I mean hi there's your dick which, is nice. You have a nice dick. Seriously but other than that, you're weird? Not weird. Weird is the wrong word. But it’s kind of weird because you don’t feel more like a guy even though I can see all your guy parts. I can see the physical you that's girl-like, almost." Stiles grins. "Like, it comes from the inside out. It's kinda cool actually."_ _ _ _

____"You can?"_ _ _ _

____"Yeah. I mean not like I could point to things and go hey, that’s girl-Derek and ooh, that's boy-Derek. Although who knows what I’d find if you laid out for me and gave me time to do an in-depth study." Stiles's eyes lit up. "Do you want me to? Because I can totally do that. I'd probably start with your feet because one, it's only logical to start from the bottom and work my way up and two, your toenails are purple. I just...they're _purple_ and I think I see glitter. That’s fantastic and strangely sexy. I blame the Power Rangers movie, the one with the ooze. I want to inspect them closer to see if I'm right."_ _ _ _

____He is but at this point, Derek may actually be beyond blushing. "Cora picked it."_ _ _ _

____Stiles's eyes are all huge and Derek waves at his favorite picture, of himself, Laura, and then the younger girls – Merrick, Aurora, Norah, and Cora (because his parents had a thing for rhyming names that he will never understand) is the youngest of his younger sisters, the same age as Stiles and just starting her first semester at Georgetown after taking a few semesters off to travel and work in South America with a relief organization. She sends a different color every time she actually remembers that ground mail is A Thing That Exists. The dark purple is just the latest shade of "Hey big brother, I remember you're not dead" polish. He likes it. It's better than the green she sent last time. It looked like Nickelodeon slime and vomit._ _ _ _

____"Cora’s got good taste. You should bring your painted toes over here." Stiles opens and closes his hand. "I want to inspect them."_ _ _ _

____That’s how they end up in bed head to foot with Stiles propped up on one arm and the other hand dragging up and down Derek's arch when he's done literally inspecting the chipping polish. He needs to repaint them. He doesn’t say that. He doesn't ask if Stiles wants to do it for him but maybe he will one day. Not tonight though. Tonight there's just this quiet closeness that eventually has Derek moving so that his nose is even with Stiles', even though that means both their feet are on the pillows. It’s better this way._ _ _ _

____In the dark Derek says, "I thought Kate loved me," and Stiles cups his jaw and doesn't speak. Derek isn’t in love with him yet, though he could be. That silence takes him one step closer. The way Stiles just waits quietly, when he never is otherwise is a scream to be loved. It's also begging to be filled with words. "She didn't, but I loved her. Even when everything was broken." And then the worst part. "Even now. I hate her and I still love her."_ _ _ _

____Stiles nods in the dark and drags his thumb over Derek’s cheekbone. It feels good, soft and safe. Derek can’t remember the last time he felt this safe. Before. Definitely before._ _ _ _

____"I told her about, you know,” and Stiles nods for which Derek is grateful. He doesn’t want to have to go into detail about how he tried to explain his gender identity to Kate only to watch her face go blank, then cold. “After sex because that buzz, where everything's warm and good - it seemed like a good time. I didn't show her. I just wanted her to know."_ _ _ _

____"Because you loved her," Stiles says. It’s the first time he's spoken since Derek began his little story but it fits._ _ _ _

____"Yeah."_ _ _ _

____"It happened at school in that place between the diving and lap pool? Practice wasn't going to start for almost an hour but I liked to start early. She was a lifeguard so she had access even though she wasn’t a student and I thought she wanted- I don't know what I thought. It was--she just–" He turns to look up at his ceiling. Before the fire, he had those stupid press on stars up there in the shape of the constellations. After his family rebuilt the house, he never put them back._ _ _ _

____"She showed up and I thought she wanted to apologize for running out the night before. Instead she punched me in the face. She was holding something in her fist, like a roll of quarters or her keys. I don’t know. I remember that she said I was an abomination, that'd I'd burn, and all that but I remember she had these boots. The world shrank to just those boots until swim team started to filter in and she didn’t stop kicking me until Coach Lahey pulled her off." He looks down at his hands. "Only she wouldn’t stop. Apparently she's a master in some martial art and it took him, Camden, Tucker, Kara, and Sean together to physically pick her up and pull her off then hold her down until Jessica could call the cops while the Coach took me out of the pool area. That’s what they tell me. I was unconscious by then."_ _ _ _

____"Is that why you didn't go back to school?" Stiles asks because since they're both being honest with their information, he might as well lay it all out right? Yeah._ _ _ _

____"Partly." Derek rests his forehead against Stiles'. "Then there was the fire and then I just couldn't look them in the face. I couldn't look anyone in the face. It was easier to finish high school with a tutor and go to college in New York."_ _ _ _

____Stiles doesn’t say he understands because he doesn't. He can imagine though. "Everyone thinks Kate's the freak, you know. Not you."_ _ _ _

____"Yeah, I know. I still couldn't go back."_ _ _ _

____"That doesn't make you weak. You had to take care of yourself."_ _ _ _

____"I ran."_ _ _ _

____"Yeah. That's because fight or flight are nature's main survival instincts. You survived. That makes you strong because you made it through in one piece."_ _ _ _

____"You're a giant fucking hippie. And I say that as someone who has performed more than one ritual in robes under the full moon."_ _ _ _

____Stiles seems excited by this. "So it’s true! Everyone said the Hales were witches." Stiles pushes up on an elbow. "Can you levitate a pencil like Willow in Season 3 of Buffy?"_ _ _ _

____"I'm not a witch. We just...worship the old Gods in the old ways. We came out here in because of the witch misconception, actually. Not that it really mattered. Non-Christians weren't treated very nicely in this country until recently anyway."_ _ _ _

____"For the record? A Western polytheistic belief structure is way less common than your non-standard gender identity. It's also more interesting than the gender thing. What deities do you believe in? What do they do? Who's your favorite?"_ _ _ _

____Derek shrugs. "I was a patron of the Changing Goddess. She's kind of like Christian trinity only inseparable from the concept of a divine female presence. She's multiple beings in one for, you know, states of change. She’s the personification of cycles – birth, life, and death; the maid, mother, and crone, planting, growing, and harvesting crops. She's all about transition, the power controlling the constant shifting of everything and how it’s, Gods, I don’t know, natural, to be all these different things at once. I tended to make my sacrifices to Her. I still do, sometimes, on the holidays."_ _ _ _

____If he were sitting or standing he'd duck his head at the raw feeling of the confession. Positioned this way, he can't do anything but meet Stiles's warm amber eyes. The fact that Stiles is just calmly looking back helps him keep going without wussing out._ _ _ _

____"I guess that means I'm still Her patron, I just don't think She listens the way She used to but She's the Goddess of the Moon as well, because of the phases are just another of the universe's constant changes," he says feeling ridiculous because he knows that people don't really believe this stuff, that he's an Other even before he puts on lipstick or slides cotton or lace up his legs. Derek always sort of believed She brought him those things outlets of his own transitive nature. "So it's not like I can forget Her when She's always there with the Moon."_ _ _ _

____Stiles doesn’t seem amused or dismissive though. He looks genuinely fascinated, and Derek wonders if this is how his father felt when he took his mother to one of the family shrines for the first time, shocked that someone from outside could understand without judging or mocking or fear. He hopes so._ _ _ _

____"I can see that," Stiles says finally. He drags his fingertips over the curve of Derek's cheek to punctuate his point. "The moon in you. It's sort of perfect actually."_ _ _ _

____Derek kisses him again because he has no idea what he's done, what he's said, what he is already becoming to Derek. He really doesn't and Derek is terrible with words. He's better with gestures and actions for his expressions, and Stiles smiling into his mouth seems to get that._ _ _ _

____"Can I stay the night?" Stiles asks when they break apart. "I mean, to sleep? I don’t want to leave."_ _ _ _

____"Yeah," Derek doesn't want Stiles to leave either. He wants him to stay for a long time. As long as he can actually but Derek isn't ready to say that. He doesn't need to yet._ _ _ _

____Stiles scoots closer so that they're tangled up in each other like thread shoved carelessly into a drawer and closes his eyes. Derek watches him for long moments before he does the same. It feels so good, to be comfortable with someone who cares about him, to be himself with someone who cares, that he wants to cry. He doesn't cry though. He's done with that. Instead he cuddles into Stiles' bony body and tucks his face into the sharp line of his jaw and feels comfortable in someone’s arms - something that hasn't happened to Derek in a very, very long time. The moon and starlight from outside casts shadows on them both. Derek drifts off with the shaded planes of Stiles's features and thinks that what he started when he came back to Beacon Hills is finally moving forward again. He’s allowing himself to be happy._ _ _ _

____Stiles gives him a gentle hug in the dark, cuddling closer. Derek hasn’t said anything and in fact barely moved but Derek doesn’t need to. Stiles can feel it in the air because he’s happy too._ _ _ _


End file.
